Perfect Peace

Hello beloved,

I don’t really enjoy writing online these days, but I do enjoy the catharsis of sharing my thoughts and hoping they are being read by even one or two people. The Internet has developed in such a horrendous way, and perhaps change is coming, but it may take a while. A world without technology would be perfect!

For a few years, I have agonised over my identity. That might sound selfish. But I gave my life to Jesus and found my identity in Him, and then all kinds of unexpected events unfolded which shook my faith to the core.

The major event of significance was an experience of attempting to commit suicide in 2023. It was a really serious suicide attempt and came as a result of being bombarded by Satan to a ridiculous extent. I survived, but while in hospital I had the experience of thinking I was in everlasting hell. It was horrendous.

Understanding what happened and why has been a long process that is still ongoing. Often troubling me was the terrifying thought that suicide is a sin, and I have actually gone through a repentance process, but there’s so much more to what happened than that, or so it seems.

When I awoke in hospital after being in an altered state of reality for several days, the first word that came to mind was Jesus. I began to pray to God in the name of Jesus and slowly recovered enough to leave hospital over a period of weeks. But recovery was made much harder by the sense that I had become rather well known.

In recent months, I have started to make sense of things, but have been left wondering whether I am Steven, Jesus, Steven as Jesus, or the ‘man of lawlessness’ in 2 Thessalonians – a thought that has caused me deep anguish.

Where I’m at right now is that I’m not entirely sure. I know that according to the Bible, Jesus is supposed to be coming on the clouds with great glory. I don’t think I did, except that I can’t remember anything of my life before the age of 4, which is really strange.

I think there is a long history of freemasonry in my family, though this has never been talked about. What are the secrets of freemasonry? I do not know, but this seems relevant to my identity. My father was a very ‘distant’ person – he never read me a single verse of the Bible despite attending church on a weekly basis. What was going on?

The reason why I have considered I may be the man of lawlessness is because God kept telling me (and is still telling me) that I am God. I take the Bible so seriously. But I did pray some prayers about wanting to be the most powerful being in the entirety of existence and to be used as a force for good rather than evil.

Subsequently, this troubled me so, so much! God kept on saying to me, it’s okay, we’ve got a deal. But how could this relate to my Christian faith? It only makes sense if either I am Jesus and have ‘come’ early, or if I am Steven and Steven has been promoted to God of Earth, or if I am the man of lawlessness and I have to not believe all of the many times God has spoken to me saying things like ‘you are the dove of love’ and ‘you are my number one creature of all time’. I have also had experiences of ‘being’ God, as strange as that may sound.

There’s so much more I could share, but an article is an article.

I’m hoping to attend some counselling sessions with a counsellor in the hospital here and I hope this will help me get to the bottom of things. God has been acting as my counsellor, but He sometimes uses humans to fulfill his purposes, and I like the counsellor very much.

I’m feeling very positive most of the time, but I just really, really need to solve this identity crisis so I can move forward.

A final thought is that if I am Jesus and have come early, then there is no man of lawlessness (who is described as the only Christian who will be ‘lost’) which is such an amazing thought! And the Bible does say Jesus is returning at an unexpected time.

Things for us all to ponder and pray about!

Love you 😉

Steven x