The last few nights on the ward have been intensely stressful. I haven’t slept well and truth be told this kind of sleep disturbance has been going on for some months.
I think it’s largely due to an Indian man who has a huge amount of stress and repressed fear and anger in him which impacts everyone else. Does he identify as the ‘god’ Brahman? I don’t know. But he abuses everyone, is greedy, arrogant, territorial, self-interested and dishonest. I think it would be fair to say that I hate him in his current state. I’m hoping that after he has been on the ward for some time he will mellow and return to a state of humility, which will be good both for him and everyone else. He said the other day that he is ‘carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders’ – a sure sign of self-interest, lies, and arrogance. There is one Lord over all Creation, and that Lord is love and peace, not an Indian man. We all have to be careful not to get the two confused.
I can feel the Indian man’s ego right now. He vomited yesterday as I think he felt a little emotion for the first time in a long while. This is a good sign of the beginning of recovery. An over-inflated ego masks true emotion, and it can be a shock to the body when emotion is felt for the first time in years. I think this is one of the grave dangers of meditating to gain power, which is really power ‘over’ others, a great evil. Those who exalt themselves will be humbled.
I’m delighted to have thirty minutes leave twice daily. Sitting on a bench in the sunshine for a little while every day, watching the leaves fall from the trees and having a vape or a cigarette lifts my spirits enormously. I think I am going to church today.
Perfect Peace 