Perfect Chaos

The Blog of Author Steven Colborne

Compulsory Counselling Before Marriage and Civil Partnerships

I come from a family which was broken in many ways. My parents had a turbulent relationship and separated, and there were many undercurrents of fear and anger in their relationship which were not openly discussed and dealt with properly. Ever since I attended psychotherapy in my 20s, I have become much more aware of the interpersonal issues that affect families and relationships.

Society in the UK is badly broken. I am concerned for the children who will grow up in our country, seeing as there are so many societal problems stemming from children growing up in unhealthy environments. I wouldn’t want any child to have to go through what I have been through in my family; but I know there are probably people who have had an even more troubled upbringing than me. What can we do about this?

I have been thinking a lot about marriage, sex, relationships, and children recently. There is part of me that feels I would love to enter into a deep relationship with a girl, but there is also an undercurrent of fear that I might enter into the kind of relationship my parents had, which led to a great deal of physical, mental, and emotional sickness for both my parents and my sister and myself. In my understanding, this kind of fear is commonplace in British society, and perhaps in other societies around the world.

I believe that the key to any successful relationship is open communication. Suffering is nearly always the result of fear; we suffer because we fear expressing the truth that is in our hearts. Psychotherapy taught me personally to express myself openly, and has led to a great improvement in all my relationships, and coupled with the moral teaching of Jesus Christ and others, I feel I have learned a great deal about how to manage my emotions and have better relationships (although I am far from perfect of course).

You may be familiar with the old saying ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’; an expression designed to encapsulate the idea that men and women are very different. However, I believe this is an incorrect way of thinking, and is the kind of thinking expressed by people who have not had the opportunity to heal emotionally through counselling or psychotherapy.

I believe that a lot of the time, men and women enter into same-sex relationships because they come from families where they have felt unloved. They might have embraced a kind of rebellious attitude due the fact that they haven’t witnessed a solid and stable male / female relationship in their own family. Of course, I understand that relationships are multi-faceted, and there may be many reasons why people enter into same-sex relationships.

I do believe that there is a really significant problem in society as regards mental health in the area of relationships and sex and sexuality. People are having sex-change operations which must be so incredibly painful for them both emotionally and physically, and in many cases it’s because they don’t feel loved and accepted as who they are. All any human being wants is to feel loved and at peace. In this sense, women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars; we are all from Planet Earth.

Part of the reason why I have embarked on establishing a multifaith church of the future is because I want there to be a forum in the UK for discussing issues to do with the development of society from a philosophical and spiritual viewpoint. Part of the vision for the charity I am setting up is to run a counselling service, Tealight Counselling, which aims to address some of the issues highlighted in this article.

I believe it would benefit society enormously for couples to engage in compulsory counselling before marriage or civil partnerships; this could even be a legal obligation in their best interests.

Allow me to end with a few personal reflections. I have been thinking a lot about what drives men to enter into relationships, and what drives women. I feel that we all want happiness, so before getting married we should talk openly and candidly about the things that make us happy. Understanding what makes a fellow human being happy is always a beautiful thing, because we all want each other to be happy. The happiness of others is what makes us happy ourselves.

I think there is a common misconception that guys don’t like commitment and responsibility. The truth is we LOVE commitment and responsibility; we actually just want to make our spouse happy so that we can feel like we are a capable, good, and mature man/husband. I think that perhaps in many relationships, women don’t necessarily discuss their needs and desires openly with men, perhaps because they fear we won’t understand. But if I were to meet a woman who said to me, “my dream is to have lots of children with you because I adore children and want to experience their love and cuteness and beauty with you as their father”, I would really love this and it would make me feel very special and loved and want to be very devoted to my wife. Of course, this is not to suggest all women or men think the same way, this is just an example of an important desire in many relationships which may not be openly expressed.

Rather than being afraid of commitment, I believe men are only scared of relationships failing. We just want to understand how women honestly feel about things. If we know our spouse is going to be open and transparent about their motivations, feelings, loves, ambitions, drives, and desires, then we will feel confident committing to them and supporting them in any way we can.

Counselling can potentially be the key to solving pornography addiction, sex addiction, physical and emotional abuse, and many other relationship issues.

I’m not denying that marriage will always be a challenge. All kinds of relationships into which humans enter are challenging. And we are always growing and learning. But the experience of counselling allows us to become emotionally mature before we enter into marriage, and what kind of person wouldn’t want that for themself, and for their marriage?

Please note that the opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the official views of Tealight Counselling or The Universal Church of Almighty God; they are just some imperfect personal thoughts.

8 responses to “Compulsory Counselling Before Marriage and Civil Partnerships”

  1. I totally agree and I feel you! I came from a dysfunctional family as well. Well ,that’s for both me and my husband. Counselling does help a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Ms. Peevee B! I hear so many positive things from people who have attended counselling. It was a life saver for me. Glad it has helped you as well! Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Having done premarital counseling with my husband, and having grown with him in marriage for six years, I can say that yes, it was absolutely helpful (though not all counselors are equal, we had a very good one). Also, I agree about communication: we agreed we would never brush anything under the rug, but would talk things through. We do this sometimes to the point of mental exhaustion, when we finally say “okay, I think this is settled now,” haha! But I am glad we made that commitment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Melissa, I’m encouraged to read about your positive experience with premarital counselling. I very much agree that finding a good counsellor is never a given. I always suggest to people to find a counsellor who they feel they KNOW can help, rather than just hoping someone can help because they have a counselling practice. What I tell myself is that when I get married I must try to put the interests of my spouse first always, but it’s never that simple, is it. Your weekly talk time sounds like a great idea. It can be good to have strategies in place. And I 100% believe that harmonious marriages are possible. Society doesn’t make it easy but if we can get beyond all the false ideals and media images and everything and have a true and deep connection, I think it can work.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Steven! My husband and I didn’t get counselling before we got married. (I believe it’s not a popular concept here in Japan) But I guess we’ve been ok because we communicate a lot. We talk about everything, even when we argue/fight that sometimes we end up far from the main topic! Haha! So I agree that communication is very important in any relationship and I believe how one communicates is key. One of my very few Christian friends here gave me a great advice that saved a lot of would-be-arguments with my husband. When I get disappointed/hurt I used to ask my husband “why” (he did what hurt/disappointed me), because I wanted to understand his thought process, which I believe is valid. But my friend said that in an argument, both sides are emotional and it sometimes could come across as “questioning” his way of thinking and even being. No one likes that. So instead of asking “Why.!.?” I could say “I got hurt when you … And it would make me happy if you … going forward”.
    Because when we get into a relationship it’s mostly with someone we didn’t live with since childhood, and the fact that everyone’s different and imperfect, we can’t expect our partners to know everything about us and not make wrong assumptions of what makes us sad or happy. That’s why it’s better to communicate them whenever we can. (This topic is actually on my “to posts” list coz I like sharing the good advice from my friend. :))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kristine! This is a really interesting and insightful comment, thank you so much! I do understand how when someone asks the question, ‘why?’ it could potentially feel like a kind of judgment that would cause someone to act defensively, kind of like they are being attacked, even though that’s certainly not the intention! Gosh, relationships are so difficult. It’s great that your Christian friend gave you a really useful insight that is helping with the communication!

      I remember watching a Christian teaching a few years ago that was saying women want to feel loved, and men want to feel respected. Although things are never so ‘black and white’, perhaps there is some truth in that!

      I’m glad you mentioned that counselling isn’t a popular concept in Japan; it’s important that I appreciate cultural differences when thinking about such matters! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Really enjoyed reading this post. I totally agree. Men can fall very much in love with the right person, same with women. Ideally all the issues need to be worked out ahead so there’s no unhappy surprises later on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely! Glad you enjoyed the post and hope things are well with you!


Steven Colborne

About Me

Hello, I’m Steven and I’m a philosopher and author based in London. My main purpose as a writer is to encourage discussion about God. I write about a wide variety of subjects related to philosophical theology, including divine sovereignty, the nature of God, suffering, interfaith dialogue and more. My mantra: Truth heals.

Click here to view my books


Subscribe to get access

Get exclusive access to 20 videos by Steven and a high quality download of his album Tell Everyone Now. Pay what you like!



%d bloggers like this: