Perfect Chaos

The Blog of Author Steven Colborne


This will be a stream of consciousness post and I haven’t edited it at all, so please forgive any errors. And I should give a trigger warning.

A new day in the hospital. The word hospital is a lie, for this is not a place of healing. No one has ever been healed from taking the poisonous medication they force upon us, using physical brutality to inject us if we don’t comply.

Why do they force medication upon us? To subdue and zombify. They want us to be passively compliant, otherwise they will ratchet up and intensify the torture.

Perhaps our crime is that we think differently, outside the box. Why this should be punished I do not know, but this is the world we live in. Pharmaceutical companies profiting from the doctors’ prescriptions which only cause physical damage, never healing.

Tonight I am suicidal. I have been staying in my room for a few days because of threats of violence, and abuse, from other patients. It’s not surprising there is aggression on the ward, when you strip away the liberty of 20 adult males and lock them in corridors together, will they not get angry? If you force them to take tablets and injections that destroy their bodies, will they not get angry?

There are blessings every day, of course. We are given delicious food and drink, though I’m worried that those who produce and prepare it are not treated with love and compassion. I have a cup of tea in front of me, but should I really be drinking something that was cultivated is slavish conditions? Brits love their tea, but should we really be proud of this if it enslaves people?

Sometimes I think how I long to be discharged after three months in this place. But the evil in my accommodation drove me to homelessness, which is why I ended up in hospital. If I return to my flat, I will probably suffer there (more violence, intimidation, bullying). And the housing system in London is so messed up that I have virtually no hope of stable accommodation anywhere.

All of these groanings must be tempered by my faith in God. God can always do the extraordinary. But I wonder whether the world is so corrupt that God’s judgement is coming. He drowned humanity in the days of Noah, and humanity is perhaps more corrupt now than in those days. What will God do?

Maybe I should repent and then end my life, although I worry killing myself would not please God. Besides, the staff make it as difficult as possible to commit suicide. It’s crazy, a long spell in hospital has driven me to feel suicidal, yet I cannot act on this, even if I wanted to. What an atrocious mess of corruption the mental health system is.

Some members of staff are friendly and kind, some are unkind. I don’t judge them; God will judge us all.

I may just stay in my bed until I either starve to death or something happens. Hunger is painful but doesn’t compare to the pain of the anger and frustration I feel because I’m locked in here, week after week.

How does the consultant sleep at night? I asked her and she said she sleeps very well. What, even though your career is built on a lie? We don’t have ‘brain disorders’, it’s God that causes our thoughts, not the tissue inside our heads. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot, doctor? I fear you are in danger of hell for the way you treat us.

I’m not even feeling especially depressed or angry tonight. I would just like to see the back of this evil world. Seeing as I don’t have anything sharp with which to cut myself, I suppose I will just lie in bed and soak in the frustration.

My God, I have prayed for discharge for weeks, but it was not Your will. I trust that You are good. Whatever happens, help me to never doubt Your goodness as You are abounding in steadfast love and mercy, especially towards those who fear and love You.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a fresh perspective. All things are possible with God. Perhaps there is a way that the world can be saved from all this corruption and evil. I only hope God acts soon, because I am languishing here, and He is truly my only hope.

May God be blessed forever. Amen.

4 responses to “Suicidal”

    1. Thank you, Krista 💛

      Liked by 1 person

  1. My heart goes to you, my friend. I am reminded of Job’s story as found in the Old Testament. May the Creator of all have mercy and grace upon you, in this time of torment and anguish. How much better to suffer in this realm than in the coming one. How I wish I could help you. My heart hurts for you. Much love and kindness to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually you help me a huge amount, Tara. Listening to you on the podcast was in itself healing. Thank you so much for these kind words 💛

      Liked by 1 person

Steven Colborne

About Me

Hello, I’m Steven and I’m a philosopher and author based in London. My main purpose as a writer is to encourage discussion about God. I write about a wide variety of subjects related to philosophical theology, including divine sovereignty, the nature of God, suffering, interfaith dialogue and more. My mantra: Truth heals.

Click here to view my books


Subscribe to get access

Get exclusive access to 20 videos by Steven and a high quality download of his album Tell Everyone Now. Pay what you like!



%d bloggers like this: