As I sit alone in my bedroom, I am aware of how quiet this house is at the moment. It’s a five bedroom property, but three tenants have moved out in recent months and have not yet been replaced. It is wonderful to be able to enjoy the peace and quiet of a near-empty house, the only distractions being the hum of my mini-fridge and the occasional sirens of police and ambulances in the neighbourhood.
I am especially grateful for the peace today as I am in a thoughtful and reflective mood. Perhaps it’s the time of year, but in any case I am really appreciating having the opportunity to think things through. As I sit quietly, thoughts arise about who I am, what I am doing, what I have achieved, and where I am headed.
In a certain moment, I am aware that my life almost seems to make sense. My spiritual journey, my mental illness, my studies, and my career – all of this seems meaningful and coherent when viewed from a certain perspective. The two books that I have written in the last two years; these would not have been possible without my own unique passage through life.
I am proud of the books that I have written, even if I don’t always see things in this light. They offer a truthful perspective of my life’s journey and my beliefs, and they convey all of the most important things about me as a person. I may only be 31 years old, but I feel as though I have lived a life that is full.
The only problem is – and I have referred to this in recent posts on this blog – I have reached a kind of ‘full stop’. I have achieved what I have wanted to achieve (mainly with my writing), and despite the fact that I have not achieved commercial success with my books, I find myself satisfied that I have done all I can with this little life of mine.
I would love to reach a wider audience with my writing, but I no longer have the motivation or confidence to keep pushing. I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t think I could cope well with any negative publicity if I did reach a much wider audience. Also, I am lacking in the drive to undertake promotional activities such as interviews and in-store promotions. All of this is too stressful for my fragile mind to cope with!
The one thing that I crave above all else these days is peace. And peace is a very hard thing to find in this lifetime – it is certainly not won by fame and fortune, of that I am quite sure.
So in 2014 I will be grateful if I have peace in my life. Peace to enjoy a sunny day in the park, peace to be free from stress, peace to be alone and not lonely. This is my last great ambition, and whether I find it in life or death I do not mind.
When I pray these days I simply beg for mercy. Mercy that I might not suffer any more and mercy for all those who suffer so terribly in this world. May God grant us peace! Amen.